Excerpts from Newt's speech at the 2087 CPAC

Note: Power was down across the Atlantic seaboard, and all CPAC speakers had to use a megaphone. The regular recording equipment was shut off, seeing as it was a drain on the Marriott Wardman Park Hotel's generators. The speech, or parts of it, were copied down by conference participants; the excerpts below are edited from several different notes.

My sadness is deep tonight, fellow revolutionaries. Our so-called President's inability to deal with our increasingly literally powerless society means that many of my dearest friends, including George Will's Undying Electronic Presence, the third robotic incarnation of John Boehner produced this year, and the "Repeal the Fourteenth Amendment" cyborg dance team--they can't be with us tonight. But I, revolutionaries, am with you, until the stars take me.

Note: Starting around 2040, members of both parties began referring to the opposite-partied occupant of the White House as the "so-called President." Some commentators bemoaned this as yet another symbol of ever-degrading partisan strife. Democrats claimed the practice started with Republicans; Republicans claimed the practice dated back to the George W. Bush years, and was first voiced by Democrats; the Patriocrats claimed that the term was encoded, in secret dissolving ink, in a combination of laws including but not limited to the Fourteenth and Sixteenth Amendments to the United States Constitution, the Social Security Act, and the Tax Reform Act of 1986; the fringiest of the fringe Patriotcrats and a few of their armed followers claimed the "so-called President" concept was found in the 22' by 22' cube containing all the world's gold, such that said cube containing all the world's gold had/has inscribed on it an edict from William McKinley himself mandating that no one holding the position of President of the United States shall actually be elected, and shall actually be chosen by a committee comprised of the de Rothschilds, the Morgans, Mark Hanna and his descendants, and the Comptroller of the Currency.

Should we bemoan our problems? Should we bemoan the fact that Interstate 95 has a gaping hole above the Delaware Memorial Bridge? Should we wail that we don't have working trains, that half of our airports aren't equipped to control air traffic? Maybe. And maybe liberals should admit that years of the government having any hand in infrastructure didn't work. Oh, they whine: how are you supposed to maintain or build any new infrastructure when you basically refuse to raise taxes for the better part of a century? My revolutionaries, I say: that is a dumb question. It's them talking about old solutions to new problems. More taxes to make government work? If Charles Krauthammerpod had the charge to get over here, he'd sum it all up in a word. "Nonsense." Maybe "Absurd."

I just want to--

Note: At this moment the generators powering the Marriott Wardman Park Hotel ran out of fuel. Lights went off. CPACers started murmuring. Some stories tell that Newt yelled, "--talk about American Solutions!" Other reports claimed that Newt led the crowd in a chorus of "USA! USA!" Others said that Newt told CPACers that the "so-called President was turning a once great America into the United States of Atrophy." The record is contradictory. Within twenty-four hours, Newt had apparently moved his launch date up, and was in space.